On a Tuesday afternoon in Ubud, a fourteen year old named Sora sat on the steps outside our classroom and stared at her phone like it was giving her a grade.
Not because she was being dramatic. Because in the modern teen nervous system, the phone really can feel like a scoreboard.
A friend had posted a photo from the weekend: perfect light, perfect angle, effortless joy. Underneath: a small storm of hearts and comments.
Sora had been there too. She had laughed too. But in the photo, she looked tired. Her hair was doing that thing hair does when humidity wins. Her smile did not look online.
She did not say, I feel insecure. She said something teenagers say when they are trying to sound casual while their insides are doing parkour.
I should probably not post for a while.
Ms. Putu sat next to her. Not to confiscate the phone. To get closer to the real question.
What makes you say that?
Sora shrugged. Then she said it, as if it was a neutral fact.
Everyone else looks better.
That sentence is the entrance to what I call the comparison machine.
And in an AI world, the comparison machine just got a turbo button.
Here is the phrase I want you to keep: relationships over rankings.
This chapter is not asking you to eliminate comparison. Comparison is human. The goal is to keep ranking from becoming the place your child goes to decide who they are.
The comparison machine is not kids being vain. It is an environment that trains children to measure their worth through visibility, approval, and status.
It runs on four design features that are simple, powerful, and wildly unfair to a developing brain.
First, it is constant. The social world used to end when you got home. Now it lives in your child’s pocket. Pew reports that majorities of United States teens use TikTok, Snapchat, and Instagram, and YouTube remains nearly universal for teens.[1]
Second, it is asymmetric. Your child sees everyone else’s highlight reels and compares them to their own behind the scenes footage.
Third, it is quantified. Popularity used to be a feeling. Now it is a number: likes, views, streaks, follows. When you quantify belonging, children start optimizing it.
Fourth, it is editable. Filters, retouching, and AI image tools make it possible to upgrade a face, a body, a moment, a whole identity, with no friction and no receipts.
In other words, the game is not just rigged. The playing field keeps getting Photoshopped in real time.
This lands hard in adolescence because peer endorsement is loud and identity is still under construction. In one well known fMRI study, teens were more likely to like photos that already had many likes, and reward related brain regions were more active when their own photos received many likes.[2] In another study, using social media for comparison and feedback seeking was linked to higher depressive symptoms over time, especially for girls and for teens who felt lower in peer status.[3] Across studies, upward comparison tends to push self evaluation in the wrong direction.[4]
The goal of this chapter is not to make you afraid of phones or social media.
It is to make you fluent in what your child is practicing.
Because practice becomes default.
And default becomes identity.
What AI adds: the era of synthetic status
We used to worry that kids were comparing themselves to celebrities.
Now kids are comparing themselves to classmates who are using the same beauty tools as celebrities.
Some of those tools are subtle: smoothing skin, whitening teeth, adjusting lighting.
Some are not subtle at all: changing jawlines, noses, lips, bodies, backgrounds, even the entire scene.
Research on photo editing behavior suggests it can be linked to self objectification, appearance comparison, and lower self esteem.[5] There is also emerging evidence that photo filter use is associated with body image related concerns, for example muscle dysmorphia symptomatology in one study.[7] And the phrase Snapchat dysmorphia entered the medical literature as clinicians noticed people seeking procedures to look more like their filtered selves.[6]
This is not about vanity. It is about reality drift: when the mirror becomes negotiable, the self can start to feel negotiable too.
Then there is synthetic popularity.
AI bots can inflate engagement and make posts look more popular than they are. A peer reviewed study in Information Systems Research found that bot generated comments can increase engagement at the post level, which means the crowd your child is responding to might not even be human.[8]
In a comparison economy, fake applause still changes real feelings.
And then there is the darker edge: synthetic humiliation.
Deepfakes make it possible to put a child’s face into a moment that never happened, sometimes as a prank, sometimes as a weapon.
RAND reported that in an October 2024 survey, 13 percent of United States K 12 principals said their schools had experienced bullying incidents involving AI generated deepfakes during the 2023 to 2024 and 2024 to 2025 school years.[9] Thorn’s research on deepfake nudes reports that some teens personally know someone targeted, and some report being targeted themselves.[10]
When humiliation can be manufactured, do not compare yourself is not enough. We need culture, skills, and protection.
So what do we do?
We do not try to out tech the internet.
We build the antidotes that make ranking less seductive.
At Empathy School, we return to three antidotes again and again.
Belonging. Gratitude. Contribution.
Not as slogans. As daily practice.
Antidote 1: Belonging (real belonging, not follower count)
A child who feels deeply connected is harder to manipulate with status.
Because belonging changes the question.
Not, do they like me.
But, do I have people.
This is not just personal wisdom. Research tracks it. A systematic review of prospective studies found that higher school connectedness is linked to lower later depression and anxiety.[11] And in a large cluster randomised trial in India, a whole school health promotion intervention improved school climate and showed beneficial effects on health related outcomes when delivered with dedicated support.[12]
Translation: belonging is infrastructure. When schools build it deliberately, kids do better.[11][12]
Home belongs in this conversation too.
Because the most protective version of belonging is not my child has friends.
It is my child has at least one relationship where they can be unfiltered.
Not pretty. Not impressive. Not performing.
Just known.
A small practice that builds this is ridiculously simple: family rituals that happen even when life is messy. Research on family rituals and routines points to rituals as a pathway to identity, stability, and connection.[15] Family meals can be one of those repeats, and studies have linked family meals and social eating with lower depression, anxiety, and stress in adolescents.[16]
You do not need big traditions. You need small repeats.
Antidote 2: Gratitude (the fastest way to puncture status)
Status makes kids scan: who is above me, who is below me, where do I fit.
Gratitude makes kids notice: what is good here, who helped me, what did I contribute.
Gratitude does not erase pain. It rebalances attention.
Which matters, because the comparison machine is an attention hijacker.
One of our simplest school practices is a gratitude circle.
Not, I am grateful for my dog.
Specific appreciation.
I am grateful that you explained the assignment when I was confused.
I am grateful that you let me join your game when I felt awkward.
Kids sit up straighter when they are seen like that.
They also learn a quiet truth: your value is not only how you look. It is how you land in a community.
If you want a home version, steal this.
At dinner, or in the car, each person answers:
- One moment you appreciated someone today.
- One moment you were tempted to perform, and what you actually needed.
That second question matters. It teaches kids to notice the craving for status without being driven by it.
Antidote 3: Contribution (turn status hunger into usefulness)
Here is a secret teenagers rarely get told:
The happiest kind of status is being needed.
Not needed as a performer.
Needed as a contributor.
Volunteering and contribution are not magic, but the data consistently points in one direction: contribution is good for people. For example, research using the Growing Up in Ireland study found that young adults who volunteered reported higher life satisfaction and confidence.[14]
The point is not that your child must volunteer. The point is that contribution builds self respect, which is the antidote to performative self esteem.
At school, contribution can be simple.
An arrival captain who welcomes younger kids.
A tech helper who sets up microphones and then disappears.
A conflict mediator in training.
A student who runs the recycling and actually sees where the trash goes.
The more real the role, the more real the identity that grows from it.
And in a world with online cruelty, contribution has another benefit: it builds empathy and repair muscles.
Systematic reviews suggest restorative practices can reduce bullying and improve school climate when implemented well.[13]
So the question is not only, how do we stop the drama.
It is, where do kids practice repair, before they need it.
THE COMPARISON RESET (Family tool)
The goal is not to ban comparison. Comparison is human.
The goal is to keep comparison from becoming the main religion.
Do this once a week. Ten minutes. Phones away. Calm tone.
- Name the machine. Where did you feel comparison this week? Not, what did you do wrong.
- Normalize the feeling. That makes sense. Those apps are designed to trigger it.
- Return to reality. What is one thing about your real life that matters more than that post?
- Choose one connection action. Text a friend something real. Take a walk with a parent. Sit with a sibling and do something boring together.
- Choose one contribution action. Help someone. Make something. Do one small act that builds self respect.
That is it.
You are training your child to move from ranking to relating.
From image to action.
From how do I look, to who did I help.
A few scripts that work (when your child is spiraling)
I believe you. That hurt.
Are you looking for advice, or are you looking for company?
Let’s remember: online is a highlight reel. Real life is the full movie.
Your job is not to be impressive. Your job is to become capable and connected.
We can talk about the post, but I care more about what you are learning about yourself.
What to watch for (signals the comparison machine is winning)
- Your child deletes posts quickly or checks likes compulsively.
- Your child speaks about their body or face like a product.
- Your child avoids social events unless they can look right.
- Your child is constantly scanning who is cool and who is cringe.
- Your child seems oddly flat after a lot of scrolling, full but not nourished.
Green flags (signals your child is building immunity)
- Your child has at least one friend they can be unfiltered with.
- Your child has at least one role where they are useful, not just seen.
- Your child can name when comparison shows up, without shame.
- Your child can return to real life after a hit of online status.
- Your child practices repair when relationships get messy.
A school question
How do students practice belonging, contribution, and repair in daily life, and what systems protect kids from status games, bullying, and AI powered humiliation?
Closing
Sora did not need a lecture about self esteem.
She needed a place to land.
Ms. Putu looked at the phone, then back at Sora.
Do you want to post because you want to share, or because you want to be rated? she asked.
Sora laughed, because it was painfully accurate.
Then she put the phone down.
Not forever. Not as a moral victory.
Just long enough to remember she had a life that was not a feed.
In an AI world, the most rebellious thing a child can do is stay real.
Relationships over rankings.
Belonging over performance.
A life that cannot be autocompleted.
Endnotes
[1] Pew Research Center, Teens, Social Media and Technology 2023, 2023, key findings section.
[2] Sherman, L. E., Payton, A. A., Hernandez, L. M., Greenfield, P. M., and Dapretto, M., The Power of the Like in Adolescence: Effects of Peer Influence on Neural and Behavioral Responses to Social Media, 2016, Psychological Science, 27(7), pages 1027 to 1035.
[3] Nesi, J., and Prinstein, M. J., Using Social Media for Social Comparison and Feedback Seeking: Gender and Popularity Moderate Associations With Depressive Symptoms, 2015, Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 43, pages 1427 to 1438.
[4] McComb, C. A., and Mills, J. S., A Meta Analysis of the Effects of Social Media Exposure to Upward Comparison Targets on Self Evaluations and Emotions, 2023, Communication Research, 50(8), pages 1158 to 1185.
[5] Ozimek, P., Baer, F., and Förster, J., How Photo Editing in Social Media Shapes Self Perceived Attractiveness and Self Esteem via Self Objectification and Physical Appearance Comparisons, 2023, Current Psychology, 42, pages 18947 to 18961.
[6] Rajanala, S., Maymone, M. B. C., and Vashi, N. A., Selfies: Living in the Era of Filtered Photographs, 2018, JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery, 20(6), pages 443 to 444.
[7] Ganson, K. T., et al., Use of Photo Filters Is Associated With Muscle Dysmorphia Symptomatology, 2024, Body Image, 48, pages 94 to 101.
[8] Gao, Y., et al., Does Social Bot Help Socialize? Evidence from a Social Media Experiment, 2025, Information Systems Research, results section.
[9] Haimson, O. L., Doss, C. J., and Reich, J., Artificially Intelligent Bullies: Dealing with Deepfakes in K 12 Schools, 2025, RAND, findings section on principal survey.
[10] Thorn, Deepfake Nudes and Young People, 2025, report findings section.
[11] Raniti, M., et al., The Role of School Connectedness in the Prevention of Youth Depression and Anxiety: A Systematic Review with Narrative Synthesis, 2022, Adolescent Research Review, 7, pages 179 to 201.
[12] Shinde, S., et al., Promoting School Climate and Health Outcomes with the SEHER Multi Component Secondary School Health Promotion Intervention in Bihar, India: A Cluster Randomised Trial, 2018, The Lancet, 392(10163), pages 2465 to 2477.
[13] Lodi, E., Perrella, R., Lepri, A., and Scarpa, F., Use of Restorative Justice and Restorative Practices at School: A Systematic Review, 2021, International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 18(1), article 96.
[14] Economic and Social Research Institute, Volunteering Benefits Young Adults Wellbeing and Confidence as Adults, 2023, summary page.
[15] Li, X., et al., Family Rituals and the Quality of Adolescents Friendships: The Serial Mediating Role of Perceived Parental Support and the Meaning in Life, 2024, Current Psychology, discussion section.
[16] Victoria Montesinos, D., et al., Are Family Meals and Social Eating Behaviour Associated with Depression, Anxiety and Stress in Adolescents? 2023, Clinical Nutrition, 42(7), pages 1590 to 1598.